May 31st 2011

I always end my nights with thoughts of doubts, sorrows, and tears. The world is getting harder for me and I can’t figure what to do about it. Right now, in the midst of confusion, I head to the chamber of dreamless nights. In time, I will find a clear path to my current twisted emotions and griefs. For now, I will sleep or play my Nintendo DS until dawn. A new day awaits this confused and hungry Takumi. :3

puppet

For a while, I have thought that I was being controlled. I was right. I feel like a puppet. Right now, I am a puppet. Puppets have feelings too. That’s why I’m here right now, crying and sobbing about my sorrows.

I haven’t blogged a while because I thought I was ‘happy.’ I thought I didn’t need Tumblr anymore. Man, was I wrong about that! Happiness don’t tear your soul apart and make you struggle for it. I was struggling to keep such feelings called ‘happiness.’ Lying to yourself is almost a sin, too bad it’s not.

I lied about how happy I was.

I lied about what I really want.

I lied about my feelings.

I lied about myself…to myself.

I was utterly blinded by a person who unfortunately is not myself.

Then I saw who it was that I was supposed to be.

I tried to follow by hiding everything else I got.

I was ‘in love’ with the one who utterly blinded me and tear me into the pieces I am now.

Love is never a great thing…in the end, you get nothing but pure darkness. Right now I feel darkness within my heart. I feel I was controlled. I listened to those orders and directions with content…I thought they were lovely music. Then I started to hear things that I really wanted to hear…lies and rejections. That person twisted words into my mouth. I lied to myself. I rejected myself. I kept trying to be okay with that. But what does he know…??

I’m still a puppet. My feelings and thoughts are not in control. I can’t voice them. I was made to think otherwise. Does a puppeteer ever ask his puppet its opinions and emotions? I don’t think so.

In the end, that’s all I am. A thing that can’t keep control of itself. Yes, that’s all I am. No matter how much I cry, I won’t be heard. No matter how much I speak, ignorance will still be bliss. No matter how much I reach, I won’t reach anyone. Actually, I did reach one being today. That one being wasn’t my puppeteer. I reached him, but I didn’t voice myself. Because in the end, I’m only a puppet, a loveless one at that.

dark white day

“I was a little disappointed.”

I knew he was. I knew why this was so.

But that’s not why I’m here confiding my precious but tainted feelings and thoughts on tumblr. 

Disappointment…the beginning of the path named ‘rejection.’ All my relationships go through this. This is no exception.

It has almost been 6 months since what I called ‘The Dragon Incident.’ My last break up. Jykin Han. That’s who he was. I got over that. I love dragons, but I got over that human. Somewhere in my heart, I still love him. But now…I no longer long for him.

Right now…I feel rejected. From the world. From society. From the person I confide to. From the person I currently love.

White Day. A day when boys return girls’ chocolate. I tainted that. Not for everyone. But for him, the person that I didn’t know that was looking forward to such a day. That’s when the disappointment comes in.

I felt such a rejection…even though this was my fault. I hid my feelings all this time. I lied about my pains all the time. But this time…I was pushed to the limit. I was back to my old self….desperate for warmth of a human. I am back to square one…nowhere close to ‘happiness.’ I said this before…but the closer I get to someone, the more pain I feel. The more they think they understand me, the more they end up hurting me…

Right now…I feel like crap. My left wrist is still bleeding. I feel like crying. But y’know what, there’s this thing called ‘school’ I need to attend to. So g’bye tumblr. I will be back…

kyle107:

justnithya:

Charmanders are red

Mudkipz are blue

if you were a pokemon, i’d choose you

your smile is stronger than a hyperbeam

like Jesse & James, we could be the perfect Rocket Team

I will stay by your side like pikachu & Ash

and i’ll love you more than a level 80 rapidash

>You’re more legendary than a zapdos, entei, or mew

but out of all the 150, I choose you

(stormyninjaから)

Facebook vs Tumblr - Arashi ver.

leticiakawano:

Someone you don’t know adds you on Facebook

Someone you don’t know follows you on Tumblr

Someone writes on your Facebook wall

Someone writes in your Tumblr ask box

Lose a friend on Facebook

Lose a follower on Tumblr

Error on Facebook

Error on Tumblr

(happyvirus-stormから)

Reblog if you want your followers to introduce themselves & make friends with you

satoshian:

yes please ;d

(出典: green-jasmine、happyvirus-stormから)

“Loveless” the blog novel - Prologue

These so-called love stories started a while ago. I’m writing as much as I remember about her. I remember her as a person who was always in pain. When she was in the cycle called ‘life,’ she was in pain. When she was in the cycle called ‘love,’ she was in pain. She always held back her tears. Eventually she cried. That was her life. And I was the person who was always beside her.

But I know she never looked at me. I wanted to be there for her. As long as I can remember, I loved her. I knew everything about her. I loved every little aspect of her. I wish I could share that love with her. All I did was watch. I was happy with just watching her. But it hurts me to see her hurt…I know that this love wasn’t painful because of me, but because of her.

I decided…

To part ways with people.

Slowly.

One by one.

The more I ‘love’ them, the farther I want them.

That’s just the way it is now. One mistake in my ‘game of world’ is gonna destroy everything. I decided that. I’m gonna go with it. Having people by my side is really tiring. I have to put up different fronts and faces for different people. In the end, there is no one I really trust. It’s more like I can’t trust them. I can’t trust people who push me to a corner mercilessly. The nicer you are to me, the more pressure I feel. I’m that weird. Go on. Laugh and walk away. My tumblr is my only place that I can pour my heart and soul into. I love the world for its technology and hate its creators. How ironic. I think I understand him better now, in a different sense.

I like dragons now. It’s frustrating to know that they aren’t real. It’s frustrating how he ignored the past we had. ‘Never loved.’ What was I? A toy? A past-time? I don’t know anymore. I’ve been living dwelling in the fact that Phillip Han exists, but dragon don’t. I’d rather dwell than try to start living in another fact.

That’s why I’m getting away from people. That’s the real reason why I’m too scared to go to school. That’s why I still cry and hurt myself like crazy because I don’t want to go on like this. That’s why I just stand here waiting when I know no one’s gonna come and save me from this ‘hell’ I created. That’s why I lie because I don’t want anyone to get any closer. That is why I don’t belong on this Earth.

I’m just crazy. Owari.